Addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful. But once you understand the patterns behind it, you can stop falling for the manipulation—and finally start to heal.

In this week’s blog we're breaking down the four biggest manipulation tactics used by people in addiction and how families can break free from them.

1. The Victim Play

The first manipulation tactic Tom exposes is the victim play—when an addict shifts blame and guilt onto others.

You’ve probably heard things like:

“If you hadn’t divorced Dad, I wouldn’t be this way.”
“If you understood me better, I wouldn’t have to use.”

This form of external blame is one of the most common thinking distortions in addiction, as shown in the Journal of Substance Abuse Treatment. When the addict blames others, the loved one absorbs the guilt—and that’s when the cycle begins.

Tom reminds us that guilt is a dangerous trap for family members. While it’s normal to question your past decisions, you are not the cause of your loved one’s addiction. The more you release guilt, the clearer you can see—and that clarity accelerates everyone’s healing process.

2. Priming: Setting You Up for Chaos

Next comes priming, a psychological setup used to steer conversations (and outcomes) before they even begin.

An addict might start with:

“You’re probably going to think this is crazy, but…”
or
“I know you won’t believe this, but…”

Sometimes they’ll even provoke a fight—just to justify using again.

When you feel a conversation start to spiral emotionally, take a pause. Recognize when you’re being primed. This awareness helps you respond from logic, not emotion—a key step in protecting your peace and supporting recovery the right way.

3. The Fix-It Trap

The Fix-It Trap is one of the most heartbreaking patterns for families.

Because of guilt, parents often try to fix the situation by paying rent, covering legal fees, or buying groceries. But enabling—even with good intentions—delays recovery.

A Yale Medicine study found that enabling behaviors can delay treatment by an average of 18 months.

As Tom puts it:

“The more you rescue, the less likely they are to recover.”

If your loved one says they need gas, go with them and fill the tank—but never hand over cash or gift cards. Keeping your help factual (not financial) gives them the space to face reality and choose recovery.

4. Breaking the Chain: Education and Communication

Healing from addiction requires unity and education. It’s not enough for one family member to set boundaries—everyone in the support network must be on the same page.

If one person (like a grandparent) continues to give money or resources, it undermines everyone’s efforts. That’s why open communication with every “character in the story” is crucial.

Tom emphasizes that cutting off an addict’s supply line isn’t cruel—it’s necessary. Without access to funds or easy resources, the person struggling with addiction has a harder time maintaining the behavior, which can become the catalyst for real change.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Supporting someone in addiction is exhausting—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You need support too.

That’s exactly why we created The Family Reconnect Program  —a safe community for loved ones to gain tools, education, and support from experts and peers who truly understand what you’re going through.

Inside Family Reconnect, you’ll get:

• Weekly live Q&A calls with Tom, Ben, and Dr. Tambini

• Expert guest speakers and real-time coaching

• Access to a private online community for sharing and support

 Join the Family Reconnect Program

Ready to Talk One-on-One?

If you’re unsure what next step to take or how to set boundaries with your loved one, schedule a free confidential call with our team.

 Book a Free Call Here

You don’t have to walk through the chaos alone.
You can stop enabling, start healing, and rebuild your peace—one honest conversation at a time.